I noticed I tend to have those realization days a lot, you know the days when you just look at your life play out in front of your eyes and you just replay and pause. Its days like that when I see how uncommitted I have become in a lot of things that I needed to implement in my life, like reading the bible every morning, taking time to plan my day, reflect and not be a follower of whatever passes my way.
This morning I was getting ready to go to work and just like most mornings when I am preparing to go to work I prefer to maybe listen to a sermon or worship music instead of consuming whatever shows that I didn't see the previous night. One of the things I started noticing about myself is I get so much affected on what is happening on shows, (maybe my favorite character is being misunderstood or framed) that I keep replaying it on my mind the whole day and obviously it changes my mood for the rest of the day. So upon seeing how much I get affected by these shows I decided to no longer watch some of the shows and started listening to sermons and worship music to start my day.
So back to this morning I was listening to worship music and at some point I started realizing that I need to be more of myself and not try to be someone I am not and at that moment it strucked me that I don't know how to be myself, I haven't been myself for years since primary school. Along the years I have adapted and adjusted to everything and anything that I thought I needed to be, that I don't even remember how its like to be just me.
I started to look at the friends I have and saw that they are no different from the ones I had, and the pattern of seeking validation from everyone else always led to pretending or trying to become what I am not. And the question remain as to how do I find me?
So I started thinking that what if I put my energy into doing the things that I love doing by myself, at least that's one thing I have always been clear on. I've always loved cooking more than everything I have made a compromise on, so I think that doing all the things which I love doing will actually help me on finding the real me I've been needing all along.
Learning to stay focus and dedicate my time into praying, reading and understanding the word which is somethings I have always craved to do will help, Going back to reading books(which I loved to do whenever I wanted to be alone) and spending time with people that really matter to me.
Prayer has always been one of the things that calms me down and ground me however due to all the validation seeking I was always doing left me exhausted, ashamed and too tired to even try again. I don't know where this road I am embarking on will lead me but for the first time in a very very long time I have faith that god is with me every step of the way. I feel the protection of the lord, my faith has evoked again and the thirst of knowing Jesus has increased.
The lord has never left me nor forsaken me even when I left him and followed the world, he was always with me reminding me that he is waiting for me to come to him, surrender to him and glorify his name.
This is me embarking on a journey to Discover, Recover & Uncover who I am through Christ and all the gifts of life he has given me.
If you are also going through the same or similar thing in any area of your life do share your testimonies and let's support and guide one another on whichever journey, we may be embarking on.
Thank you for reading this week's piece.
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